I think the question i really need to be asking myself is if I actually liked her or its just the sense of loss...Its really fucked up how it all went down. It pisses me off
I for sure love her. SHe is amazing. She loved me so good. Its silly to get annoyed at Montana because he is just the place holder for me. Their relationship will fail, it may take a few months but it will fail.
This is a problem because it is about domination and power. That sounds more nefarious than it feels in the moment. Although it also feels like it comes from a place of refusing to admit that I could be wrong It could also be that0.
I have a need to be right. or I don't like being wrong. at all.
Would explain why I am so sensitive to people telling me how to do something that I already know how to do.,
To stop this I really need to slow my mind down and really consider what the other person is saying to me. Not just wait for my turn to talk. I need to actively engage with questio0ns not rebottles.
I dont know. the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. FUckin montana went right in for it. He was all about hooking up with her. and she was with him. I guess its no suprisse. I should conlcude that maybe this isnt a rebound. I should either kill montana, which i really w ant to do or I should be happy for them and move on.
I think that is probably what the best option is regardless of what the actual outcome is.
i need to just move on from this bitch. fucked up. I dont want to keep paying for it by living what could of been. She is 21 who am I kidding. she is a kid. I dont love her. I never loved her. she was a pain in the sas./ So is montana. I should really kick his ass.
]I obviously love her otherwise i wouldnt be this fucked up over it.
She is in the garage right now. She has to be doing this to fuck with me and Montana is a fucking idiot for going along with it. It looks to me that he is being used but she is lost in her attempt to get even with me. thats at least how it looks from the outside. But I dont know. She mixed in sex with the mix and now that has her emotions all over the place, especially since she just replaced me with an inferior version.
When she comes around am I even going to want her? She kind of did fuck montana...a lot i am sure.
Seems pretty fucked up and like maybe I shouldnt be interested in that. I mean how would she feel if i literally went and fucked madison and then came over to her house with her? She would flip./
As I am deconstructing my relationship I am seeing every single area where I neglected or damaged her heart.
I thought I was such a positive influence in her life, but as I am looking at our relationship and my actions in particular I am starting to wonder if I did any good at all?
I can't think of much good that I did in her life :(
I would say I am generally pretty honest however I do tell lies to get out of being in trouble in particular hen I have been chatting with other girls. Fuck...that chatting with girls has got to stop
(Update: Just deleted dating apps and no chatting with girls at all. I broke up with an incredible woman so I could get my life together better so I could have a relationship and give her what she needs. God how did it get so fucked up....my....oh ya....
I need to become more jealous with my honesty. I am going to work on it by forcing myself to always tell the truth, not even any white lies. I will have to update on the progress of that
A good benchmark will be the next time I am in a significant amount of trouble and have the chance to lie or to tell the truth...if I pick tell the truth than I submit that will be progress.
This might be the wrong kind of thinking but, this could end up being the best thing for our relationship.
I needed to appreciate her more and she needed to know that she is stronger than she thinks. I dont know there is probably a whole slew of lessons both of us learned.
God damn that chick is strong. Way stronger then me that's for damn sure. I loved the hell out of her and so sensitive to her heart...at least I feel like I was.
But did she?
But I digress. The very foundation of the relationship started up with me saying I wasn't interested in a relationship. The real reason. ... I knew I wasn't really interested in being tied down. Those first few weeks she came on so strong. The sex has always been amazing, but she was so persistent, and right at the get go I told her that she needs to back off and give me some room to miss her., And she never got it. I think she did conceptually, but practically is a different matter. Which I totally understand that and don't judge her for that.
She has always been so terrified of loosing me and that has caused her intense anxiety. I wonder what I did that contributed to her insecurities?
chatting with girls for sure
Not giving her enough attention... I could of given her so much more. TO be fair she really did need a lot of attention but I dont think that is a bad thing,. I did get frusterated with her not appreciatiing the attenti0n that I did give her.
Man I sure have said a lot of mean things to her.
I know the age bothered me in public...but clearly a smoke screen because now that here we are, I dont give a fuck about the age.
Perhaps that is the key point, it could be as simple as that... I wasn't ready to be tied down. She was overly needy and insecure and the resulting combination was a shaky foundation
Perhaps we needed to go through an even like this?
God I hope I get her back she was such a great gf. I miss the hell out of her
These are the things that I am guilty of:
Each one of these behaviors caused harm and heartbreak to my ex.
One of the bad habits that I have is chatting with random girls. I will do a break down of why I think I do this, but it is not acceptable in a relationship. Especially not with anyone I love.
I can't anticipate just stopping a habbit because I am in a new relationship. If I want to be successful in any future relationship I need to end the behaviors now.
I am deleting my dating apps.
While I don't see anything wrong with the apps they allow for an excessive amount of chatting access which will only serve to increase my dopamine dependency on this behavior. It is a waste of time and it devalues interactions. I see no real purpose in keeping the apps on these grounds.
Chatting to girls was deeply hurtful to B and I am really ashamed of the way it made her feel. I don't ever want to make the girl I love feel like that.
It sends the wrong message. I wish I could take it all back so I never have to see the hurt in her eyes. God how could I be so selfish and why wasn't I able to see what I had. Fuck FUck Fuck
One of the bad habits that I have is chatting with random girls. I will do a break down of why I think I do this, but it is not acceptable in a relationship. Especially not with anyone I love.
I can't anticipate just stopping a habbit because I am in a new relationship. If I want to be successful in any future relationship I need to end the behaviors now.
I am deleting my dating apps.
While I don't see anything wrong with the apps they allow for an excessive amount of chatting access which will only serve to increase my dopamine dependency on this behavior. It is a waste of time and it devalues interactions. I see no real purpose in keeping the apps on these grounds.
Chatting to girls was deeply hurtful to B and I am really ashamed of the way it made her feel. I don't ever want to make the girl I love feel like that.
It sends the wrong message. I wish I could take it all back so I never have to see the hurt in her eyes. God how could I be so selfish and why wasn't I able to see what I had. Fuck FUck Fuck
Bryar
Something changed in my heart when we separated and you started dating
The fact that you were no longer mind and that sudden realization caused me panic. I started thinking about you looking at someone else they way you looked at me, was too much to deal with.
I took my mom out for a car ride the night we had our epic fight. I needed to talk. I told her everything about us. I told her that "I haven't been as forthcoming with my relationship with Bryar, We have been dating for about a year and i asked for some space, and i really fucked up with her.
We went into more detail about you and us than I have ever discussed with my mom or my dad about any of my relationships.
The most significant thing I got out of this conversation with my mom was that neither her or my dad have any problems with the age gap. I think this is what helped me click my mind over to be totally comfortable with the age difference.
I realize that the age difference might have been one of my limiting factors in not being able to fully commit to you.
Well something has changed im mind...my framing about the age gap.
Something that would requre effort and time and exquisite vulnerablity.
I want to be the best man I can be for you. Everything you ever wanted in a husband, friend and lover. I want to deserve you.
I want you to see that I am going to fight for you. I am going to fight to become the best person I can be for you.
I want you to have legitimate trust in me, and feel legitimate passion, and to feel legitimately desired and craved and loved and adored, and to feel like your opinions and thoughts and ideas are important. I want you to look at me and have absolute certainty that I belong to you.
I don't want you to ever feel insecure about me.
I have some things I need to work on: many daemons that need to be tamed.
I am talking about the problematic behaviors that could lead my heart astray from you.
The hope is by acknowledging my problematic behavior, and deconstructing them (through this blog) it will give me and you a better incite into these behaviors, into myself and I can identify strategies and practices to build self mastery of these behaviors.
I want to show you my progression as I blog about these behaviors and in an honest way. I want to list of in as much detail as I can think of I want to be completely transparent as possible. I will try my best to be honest with the way i put down my thoughts and histories of these behavorirs. the goal of this is to overome
I will have a section where I talk about all the mist opportunities that I missed to be the man of your dreams...
I want to start with my understanding of what has changed inside my head and why this time would be different.
