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I had a good thing and I pushed her out of my life and now I want her back but she's moved on. This relationship changed who I am fundamentally and I had to cause a lot of pain to realize what I had. I have tried to be as forthcoming as possible. This is my personal account of self reflection and deconstruction.

Goals: To understand my behaviors

            To understand how my behaviors affected her

            To identify key problematic behaviors and develop strategies to end them

History.

About 13 years ago I went through a very painful divorce. I have since been in many short term relationships. Not one of them lasting more than a few months. It is my theory that the divorce instilled a very strong fear of commitment. Historically I had no problems dumping a girl and moving on. I remain so unattached that when I move on, i harbor no feelings of jealousy, loss or resentment when they start dating someone else. 

In comes this girl. She is significantly younger than me. I am 38 she is 21 and we hit it off the bat. This is the abridged version and I will expand on the series of events but suffice to say that over the course of a year she grew on me while i continued to keep her at arms lengths. never fully committing despite loving the hell out of her. I remember many times looking into her eyes and thinking "what the hell is wrong with me, i need to keep this girl in my life she is amazing'

But I continued to keep her at arms lengths, looking for every little thing that was "wrong" with her. I believe this was a manifestation of my fear of commitment attempting to self sabotage as a way to protect myself from the very feeling i have right now. 

I push her away and she rebounds....and now for the first time since my divorce..... I feel extreme remorse for pushing her away. I am tormented by the way I broke her heart. To be fair I broke up with her because I knew there was a big part of me that I was holding back and it wasn't fair to her. I told I need to figure some shit out and she will be the first person I call when I am ready to date.

She rebounded....and given the psychology of break ups it makes perfect sense. What sucks worse is I put this girl that absolutely adore in the situation to feel rejected, and confused and devalued and.... its an awful feeling when you come to the realization of what your actions do to the people you care most about. 

So,  time to begin the work of getting better. Time to tear it all down piece by piece to figure out everything I can from this mess I have created. Life is a series of fuckups, the secret is learn from each one.  

Going deep into my negative contributions.